


I got lucky

by irridesentchweshua



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 17:02:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12775479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irridesentchweshua/pseuds/irridesentchweshua
Summary: Right now I could be anywhere else but here – I could be in a different town, country, I could basically live thousand or two thousand years before or after Joshua but none of that happend and right now I’m here in this pit. In this hospital pit with him. I got so lucky man. Out of the infinite amount of possibilities, combinations, parallel universes and dead ends it’s me who keeps him company. I might be dead soon but I’m with him.





	I got lucky

**Author's Note:**

> Hello to everybody who decided to give me a chance and read this Jisol story! x)  
> First of all I'd like to thank you in advance (since I decided to put notes at the beginning).  
> Then I gotta say that there's really not enough Jisol stories, so even though my english really sucks I decided to keep writing and translating stories I've written in my first language because.. world just needs more of Jisol ! !  
> To sum it up - please excuse mistakes I've made, I'm gonna work harder so the next fanfictions will come out better~ ^^ Also thank you again! If you like the story feel free to leave kudos or write comments~ ^^

I’m waking up. 

I woke up. It’s been already a few minutes, but I still don’t have enough courage to move. My breath is shallow and in the dark space in front of my eyes I’m thinking about today’s most beautiful and colorful sunset I’ve ever seen in my life. Today.. what a strange notion, how unstable. Was it today? Or yesterday? I might have slept for a few hours or for the whole night. The thing that makes me the angriest is that I can’t remember. But that‘s normal for people, isn’t it? Nobody can recall how long he slept, there has to be something that will disclose the truth for us. Either device or another person. There’s no possibility of me realizing the truth just by lying here with my eyes shut. My breathing is so shallow it must seem that I’m asleep. I might seem calm or faint, but my mind seems like a battlefield. There’s something happening everywhere – there’s somebody screaming and from over there I can hear gunshots. Under the preassure of that almost unbearable noise I feel like screaming; running away. I would love to let it all lie here on this damned hospital bed and just run away. I would love to indulge in this pampered silence for at least a few seconds. 

I’m opening my eyes. 

The flow of my thoughts hasn’t stopped, however their voices seem to get quiter since there’s another sense that’s slowly coming back to life – sight. I no longer see only things I can imagine but real stuff that were made by people not by my weak and sick mind. Even though I can’t see much it seems way more comforting and real than anything my mind‘s ever produced. How can a hospital room become home? How can something in hospital smell or warm like home? It’s impossible.. yet I got this feeling that if I had woken up in my room at my parents‘ house I wouldn’t have felt better than now. On the second floor of a single-detached house in a quiet neighbourhood. Sounds ideal, doesn’t it? As a full-valuead members of this consumer society it was my parent’s dream. I bet they’re living a great life there, or maybe they are somewhere on a business trip not giving a single shit about their son who spends his days on this damned hospital bed. 

_How are you feeling, sweetie? I miss you. Soon I’ll come to visit. I love you._

__Mom (Dad)._ _

__

Isn’t it embarrassing? Sometimes when I get a lot of time to talk to myself I wonder whether they have those messeges written and saved in their smart phones and simply send them to me every evening. Sometimes it seems to me that I’m not even worth of a stupid effort to write a new message every damn new day. Or maybe I’m an ungrateful son who cannot appreciate enough the hard work of his parents so that they can pay for his meaningless treatment and for his already two months long stay in a hospital. Nowadays hospitals and treatments aren’t the cheapest form of entertainment. As if I heard them. 

__

But does it make me a bad son if I cannot sympathize with them? It’s not that I’m not thankful but I just can’t feel sorry for them for taking care of me. I can’t see them as the victims of my decease, I’m not capable of that. Even at the times when I was still at home and our family members came to visit because they already knew I was sick my parents have always behaved like victims. I was sitting on a sofa and family members were switching seats next to me. I remember my mom sitting on the couch in front of me crying and asking God why such a thing had to happend to us and how badly had her destiny turned out. My dad had taken seat next to her giving soothing speech about how we were gonna overcome it. They didn’t seem like dying. They didn’t seem like they have ever been throwing up in the toilet bowl or writhing in pain on their bed in the middle of the night. No, none of that. My mom only cried and pitied herself and dad tried soothing her everytime while I was absorbing new pain everyday. It was like this in movies too, wasn’t it? Parents were crying behind the closed door of a room where their kid was lying usually in narcosis. The thing about my parents was, however, that my mom usually cried right next to my bed saying all those things she had already said at least hundred times before and I was not unconscious so I had to hear it again everytime. 

__

_How could this happen to us? Why us? Why has God done this to us? Why do we have these troubles? When is all of this gonna end?_

__

_When I die, mom. As soon as that._

__

After few minutes I’m realizing that I’m looking at the white wall with a strip of light on it. The light’s coming from the street outside. I got lucky because I have a room on the top floor from where I can see a large part of the city. It’s really pretty at night. In fact it’s pretty at daytime as well, but I don’t look out of the window often so ... It’s not that I coudln’t stand on my feet, but in case I could not there’s always a wheelchair. As soon as that metal name, for some reason it sounds metal to me, comes across my mind my eyes find the wheelchair for a second. It’s parked in the corner of the room between the cold wall and leather couch for two. It seems to fit in there like a puzzle. Maybe it’s the same for me. Maybe I fit better in hospital than in my own home. Or maybe I just got used to it or maybe I don’t care at all. My gaze slowly travels back to the wall. The strip of light’s still there, hanging on the wall still. I guess it won’t disappear until they turn off the lights or sun starts rising. How long can it possibly take? I still have no clue about what the time is. Do I want to know what the time is? I’d love to know, but there’s no way to find out. I cannot move. I cannot allow myself to move even a little bit. Not because I don’t want to, I simply can’t. I cannot move because if I do I wake up the most beautiful human being I’ve ever seen. If I do I wake up the one and only human that makes my life colorful, I wake up the most beautiful and fragile being I have ever held in my arms and that would be a sin against this sick world in which we’re trapped. I don’t want to move because if I do I will destroy his dreams. I wonder what he might be dreaming of. 

__

Sometimes the thought of me bringing nightmares to him makes me scared. Who wouldn’t have nightmares in a hospital? I don’t have them, but we’re different. Everytime I watch him asleep looking as peaceful as now I have to believe words he always gives me when I ask him about nightmares in hospital. 

__

_I have no bad dreams here because you’re watching over me._

__

I always believe those words like a fool I am. Looking at that childlike face I believe in it now as well. He looks so calm, nothing to disturb him and his breath is steady. It seems as if he came from another world and suddenly I don’t know about a way to check whether I’m dreaming or not. Suddenly I’m not sure whether I didn’t just make him up in my head. Whether I didn’t dream him up. All of a sudden I can’t believe he’s sleeping in my arms and what’s more that he’s not having bad dreams. What if I’m the bad dream? What if our reality is one bad and twisted representation of dream? Dream which is not even about me but about Joshua? Dream from which he wakes up from right after I finally die and he’ll be able to live the rest of his life with a memory of my emaciated face and ruffled dark hair slowly fading away from his mind? What if it’s like this? What if it’s different? I’m unable to answer this question and the answer loses its importance for me in one simple but important point – Joshua. He’s here and I don’t care whether it’s thanks to fever, fantasy, drugs or fault in universe. Right now I could be anywhere else but here – I could be in a different town, country, I could basically live thousand or two thousand years before or after Joshua but none of that happend and right now I’m here in this pit. In this hospital pit with him. I got so lucky man. Out of the infinite amount of possibilities, combinations, parallel universes and dead ends it’s me who keeps him company. I might be dead soon but I’m with him. It was exactly at this moment where the answer to the previous quesiton lost its importance. 

__

,,Why aren’t you sleeping?“ 

__

Out of nowhere I hear the sweetest voice that exists. Voice that comes with the early sunrise after dreamless night and gloomy memories of my parents and other catastrophies. Even though it’s reproach there’s a smile forming on my lips. Obviously it doesn’t look the way it used to at the time we first met and thanks God for that because if it did he would never notice me. My head slowly bows down so I can look at him. 

__

He’s doing the same but the other way. His head is slightly tilted back holding my gaze with his big brown eyes. Even though there’s not enough light I could swear his eyes twinkle. He‘s beautiful although he woke up only a while ago. I can feel his hand that was hugging my emaciated body motionlessly just a second ago slowly starts to move. It’s a slow and soothing motion that only confirms that he might have been awake just for a few minutes. He’s still lazy to move but he can’t conquer his sense of caring. He’s always been like this and that’s why a love him. Before, now and forever. 

__

,,I always sleep,“ I answer with a light sigh. 

__

_Who knows how many times I’ll be able to wake up like this and see you._

__

I finish that sentence only in my mind. Josh doesn’t like listening to such words, in fact he’s never liked talking about death and connecting it with my name in one sentence. I was the same. In the beginning. I had no interest in death and dying in general before but now I think about her as I think about an old friend who’s gonna wait for me at the end of the street or who’s gonna kidnapp me from the hospital on a bad day without any previous warning. I’m not sure but I guess this is what contracts with death are like. Full of uncertainities and hidden articles. It’s a pity she doesn’t need my signature on such a contract – hers is enough. 

__

,,You only slept for a while,“ he adds still in a sleepy voice. Or does he sound like this all the time? Freshly awaken yet it’s the most pleasant sound one can imagine. Now when I think about it I’m not sure whether he really slept or not. Maybe all that time he was wide awake accepting the fact that I needed to take a short rest. Probably I will never know for sure because even if I asked he would most likely give me the answer that I want to hear because that’s what he can easily read in my gaze. I seem to be like an open book when it comes to Joshua. He can read in me whatever he likes. It’s not about him being fake in front of me, he just knows me very well and as much as I know what hurts him and what he wants to hear, he knows it as well. It has never been about lying in the first place, it has always been more like a little joy we would provide for each other as we would quietly accept the little fact sitting in the back saying that we were actually giving each other comfortable lies.

__

One of my hands rises to gently stroke his cheek. I haven’t been lying for a long time but I can feel pain in my muscles. I no longer ask questions about why it’s like this. It just hurts but it does not prevent my hand from rising and tracing my fingertips over his cheek. Soon I cover it with my palm, the tip of my thumb lightly tracing over his cheek bone. It’s already been a while since we said something. Our eyes are locked together and that seems to be enough. As if we understand each other on a different level than other people do. I don’t feel the need to break the silence and judging by Joshua’s quietness neither does he. 

__

He’s touch feels really nice and soon I can feel his hand under my sweatshirt. I‘m not cold but in this particular moment as if I was a piece of iceberg his touch feels unbelievably hot and let’s be honest he’s not even doing much. His palm and long slim fingers are caressing my skin from pelvis to ribs and I can imagine nothing that would be more pleasant than this even though I’m literally burning under his touch. 

__

,,You could have sleept longer,“ Joshua continues after a long silence as he like a real little puppy snuggles closer to me. His face is hidden in the crook of my neck, tip of his nose playfully caressing the skin of my neck and I can feel his warm breath. Lazy hug I was giving him just a second ago is quickly replaced with tight grip aroud Joshua’s slim body. I’m hugging him tightly, pressing his body against mine. I want to feel him as close as I can feel his lips and breath. I just wanna feel his warmth. 

__

He’s so close it seems he can’t get any closer, that’s why my hand travels up from his waist to his soft hair. As soon as I reach them I begin to slowly stroke them. I could swear that I‘ve just got a satisfied sigh from him. However I don’t have to swear that he snuggled closer again because I can clearly feel that. Sometimes I ask myself how he can cuddle with somebody who looks like he’s gonna die soon. At times, on better days, I tell myself that I might be disgusted by the idea of me so much, that my reflection in the mirror is somehow distorted. I cannot look like such a shit when I get to enjoy affectionate cuddles, kisses and touches, right? What’s more Joshua would never allow me to say such thing out loud. He’s magical, he can look at me anytime, cup my cheeks and say something sweet. He’s the only person who can do that. The only one that can see something while looking at my regrettable face. Without having to fake it. He’ll never be able to imagine how happy I feel thanks to him. How happy I am knowing that he’s mine. At least until the end of my days. How happy I am because I could meet him. How happy I am because I mean something to him. It’s the most precious thing that I have left. 

__

,,I could but I told to myself that there are better ways of spending time,“ I answer while light and sweet grin appears on my cracked lips. All those words I almost whisper in his ear and when I’m done I place a light kiss above it in his hair. I can’t forget about stroking his hair again as if I wanted to hold him closer for a bit longer. I even close my eyes and breathe in that familiar sweet scent of his. When it comes to recognizing scents I guess I only know two. Joshua’s and the sterile smell of hospital. Maybe because his scent is everywhere around me even hospital can feel like a home sometimes. He’s here with me. Not everyday and every night but when he’s here everything seems easier. Pain, my awesome parents, the fact that I might not be here in a few days – thanks to Josh it’s all bearable and when he flashes me a smile nothing’s easier than forgetting the whole world.  
I’m not always in this kind of mood that makes me hold him tight with such an emotion. Usually a tell various jokes, make fun of myself or plan trips which are never going to happen. However today I’m unusually quiet and as unusual as that is that Josh does not find it weird. He’s not talkative like always. He’s just pressing closely against my body and his breath’s calm. It seems like we’ve both woken up in a same mood, which we’re fighting exactly the same way – by snuggling and holding each other as tightly as if we’re the last hope to one another. It’s probably like that indeed. Joshua’s always been and will always be my only and last saviour. 

__

,,You’ll have tests done tomorrow, you’ll be tired. You know how much time it takes,“ his words souds subdued, their meaning tries lecturing me but the tone of Shua’s voice sounds entirely different. He seems as if he was happy that I woke up, as if he loved the fact that I was hugging him, as if he was happy that he could press his body against mine and get hugged right back immediately. However, he can’t tell me all of that because he has to keep up with his always caring self. He cared for me before, too, but since I got to the hospital he‘s started caring even more. Even now, he cares for me everyday, wants me to get better but none of us speaks up and say how things really are. None of us is courageous enough to say where all of this is going to. What’s waiting for me at the end of this road. 

__

Nevertheless, I tried it few times but even his brightest smile and immense effort to turn it into a bad joke could not cover that look full of pain he gave me. It really was a stupid thing to say that. It’s a shame I didn’t stop it after the very first time I hurt him with those kind of words. There were times I really went over the line. I’ve never been too serious about that but Josh.. I saw his suffering. He’s never been strong enough to cover all that pain it was causing him and seeing him like that I’d love to hit myself. Strongly and not only once. 

__

,,I’ll be fine,“ I assure him with a soothing silent voice, my fingers are still stroking his hair and I let myself to close my eyes for a second. I don’t feel like sleeping, but this way I can perceive his presence even more. Like I always do when he’s this close I’m trying to remember every detail and carefully stack it in my mind. I never want to forget how damn great it feels to have him this close. As if it was the last memory of him I will ever have as if there was nothing to come after this but darkness and loneliness. Nothing more. Everytime I have him close I’m trying my best to remember every little thing, even his slow calm breathing. I’ve never said it out loud but sometimes it seems to me that he does the exact same thing. Maybe we were meant to be. 

__

His touch on my skin feels too familiar, too good to be real. I’d love him to give me more of those touches and I’d love it even more if I could give them right back. However, I’ve been going through my worse period which means I’m lying here on this bed connected to at least for different machines that controls my heart and whatnot. One of my hands is basically bounden, there’s a pulse oximeter on my index finger to measure oxygen saturation. By my other hand I’m connected to ECG machine, it measures function of my heart. A regular beeping can be heard over the whole room. That’s my heart. I’m completely useless, unable to touch him or pay proper attention which he deserves. What’s more there’s this tiresome beeping. Beating of my own hearts keeps on destroying our silence and I find it annoying. So annoying that I have to persuade myself to take a deep breath instead of just tearing it all down. 

__

A few minutes pass and we’re still lying in silence. None of us is saying anything but I think we’re sure of each other’s vigilence because of the tender touches that we share. We don’t do much except breathing, we’re lying here motionlessly pretending that time and space aren’t real notions. It’s just two of us and I’m sure that even if it’s for a second we both believe that except this bed nothing exists in a whole universe. Hospital, illness, regret – nothing. We’re here and we share this moment which seems timeless in our minds. Every atom of my body wishes it would be like that. 

__

However one second is different from the other. The difference is truly significant, although eye of the third person would hardly notice it. I sense Shua’s lips on the skin of my neck. They are moving slowly, giving me lovely kisses. There are no tracks of greediness. He gives me one then second and another. His lips are moving slowly on the pale skin of my neck and I almost forgot how to take another breath. He’s not doing anything bold. He can’t, but.. he’s only giving me kisses as soft as if he could hurt me with only his perfect lips. And my body.. my body’s going crazy. I feel goosebumps, my breath’s getting heavier and the only thing that’s giving me away is that freaking beeping that’s giving a sound to my initially quiet heart beats. Not only that I can feel it going crazy in my chest, but I can markedly hear how it’s getting faster and faster. How childlish, but at the same moment so damn realistic. I don’t care wheter it’s gonna jump out of my chest, the only thing I wish for is to get more of those caring kisses. More of those plump lips of Joshua’s. For the whim of my soul, to extend time, for anything.. for whatever reason the might be I just want to feel and enjoy it a bit longer. 

__

As if he’s heard my thoughts he doesn’t stop, even though he can hear the ECG beeping, too. He gives me four or five more kisses, with every new one his lips stays on my skin a little longer. When he moves his head I can feel the tip of his nose on my skin then again I feel his plump rosy lips. I feel everything, even the slightest touch and my heart and mind are going crazy for him. The way they have always done. Nonetheless, suddenly everything stops, Shua giggles sweetly and hides his beautiful smile in the crook of my neck as if he was the shiest boy on this planet. He’s giggling at me even though I know he feels flattered. 

__

,,I’d love to see it,“ a silent whisper leaves my lips after a few seconds. It seems like my words don’t make sense at first. 

__

,,Hm?“ I can hear him mumble, then after a while I lose all the warmth I got from him breathing on my neck but for exchange I get to see his beautiful face. Slightly ruffled brown hair makes him look even more like a little boy, even though he’s older than me. Nobody would believe him if he said that he was the younger one but the truth is that nobody believed him neither in times when we used to wander in this city together. His chocolate brown eyes are gazing at me in a curious way. He wants to know the explanation of my previous words and even though I’m not surprised I lose the track of time for a sec. I’m not awared of how fast time flies as I’m stuck in this beautiful moment. Exactly this is what I want to remember forever. I want to remember it in 10 or hundred years, or forever. I want to remember it for such a long time that there will be nothing, neither universe nor energy. Everything that I’ve ever been can go to hell, but I want my memory of Shua to stay alive forever. I want it to be alive after nothing else will be, because it’s a memory of a person I loved the most. Automatically I rise my hand back to his face, my fingertips touching his smooth skin tenderly. Looking away would be a sin worthy of death, that’s why such a thought doesn’t come to my mind. Never. 

__

,,That smile you wore a while ago,“ I give him a simple explanation, my tumb traces over his lower lip smoothly and all of a sudden I feel almost unbearable urge to kiss him.

__

,,I wanna see it.“ 

__

Right after my words I can see his lips forming a shy smile. Not to remind himself of his previous one, this one is new. It’s slightly sheepish, sweet and most of all beautiful. It looks just the way I remember it. Just the way I always imagine it. Everytime I flatter him he gives me this exact sheepish smile and taking into consideration that I flatter him several times a day I find it very adorable. 

__

Smile is a contagious thing. So contagious that it takes just a few seconds for me to start smiling as well. If there has ever been something good about me it was definitely Joshua. He’s so innocent and pure it’s hard to believe that it’s me who’s got the privilege to hold him in my arms, give him love and call him mine. It was impossible from the very first moment I desired to have him and even though everything happened exactly the way I remember it I still can’t believe I am the lucky one. However, I want to believe it till it’s too late. I want to believe it sooner than I lose my ability to trust and distrust destiny. His smiles and company should make me believe that it’s all real but suprisingly they do the exact opposite. I see him and I just can’t believe he’s not the most beautiful angel I once saw in my dreams. 

__

,,Exactly that one,“ my words sounds complimentary. I don’t want to stop touching him, instead of that my hand travels to his nape and I pull him slightly closer. However, before I kiss him I have to devote him a few more words. 

__

,,One more kiss,“ it should have been a plea but turned out more like a promise. Honestly, I am not sure why. And Josh? Doesn’t seem like he wants to object. It’s the exact opposite – in his face I can see a sign of blush and I know that even though he doesn’t say a word his body leaning just an inch closer is a significant approval. 

__

I don’t feel like waiting, I pull him closer as I press my lips onto his gently. As if I lack courage first seconds pass and my lips almost don’t move at all, but as soon as I feel the sweetness of his lips - of lips that according to the rules belong to me only – I can’t help myself. At first our kiss is an example of how gentleness looks, however one kiss creates another one and it all continues to an extent when our lips are wet and swelled from intense kisses and we’re resting our forheads against each other panting. We’re kissing to the moment when ECG machine seems like it’s gonna break down. We’re kissing to the moment when the lack of air causes the whole room to spin around for a moment. But man, it’s the most beautiful feeling in the whole world. It feels as if you were drunk from the sweet kisses of the other one but at the same time you want get more so badly. Just one, just one more kiss which will turn into dozens of others. Because that’s exactly what you want – to get drunk from the other’s presence, to feel loved and wanted. You desire to love and want somebody. That somebody who you’re sure no matter if you meet a billion of other people none of them can compare to that special human being. For me it’s Joshua Hong. It’s not important how many sunsets and sunrises I’ll see, how many times an autumn wind will ruffle my hair or how many times I’ll see snowfall. It’s simply Joshua Hong. In every season, everyday, every hour and in every second it’s Joshua Hong. Doesn’t matter what happens or if in ten years there’s not even an ounce of energy to spare. 

For me it’ll always be _Joshua Hong._

__


End file.
